EP 262: Some Life Advice 15 Years Beyond 40

Approximately 20,075 days ago I was born. In case you don’t have a calculator handy, that is double nickels AKA FIFTY-FREAKING-FIVE years old.

It feels completely bonkers because it doesn’t feel like that much time has gone by. Everyone I have met recently is in the 38-48 year range and that got me thinking about how much my life has changed for the better since my late 30s.

At 39 I started blogging.

At 40 I started teaching yoga.

At 41 I became a mama.

At 42 learned about invisible labor, domestic load & inequity in marriage

At 43 I resigned from teaching school and dove into teaching restorative yoga

At 44 I was a caregiver to my mom post stroke and my preschooler.

At 45 I hosted several yoga retreats.

At 46 I went back to school for my Life + Work Coaching Certification.

At 47 I started speaking on stages about self-care

At 48 I got paid to speak on stage.

At 49 I started a podcast

At 50 We lived through a global pandemic

At 51 Grieved the loss of my best friend

At 52 I wrote and published a book.

At 53 I wrote a politics column for Jennifer magazine

At 54 campaigned hard for Kamala Harris.

Not surprisingly, self-care has played a huge role in that. This week on the podcast I am sharing Fifteen Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Life after 40.

Transcript:

[00:00:00] Welcome to the 100% Guilt-Free Self-Care podcast with Tammy Hackbarth, the podcast here to remind you that you matter too. Today's a very special day, and that is because today is my birthday. That's right ladies and gentlemen. Not only does it feel like a brand new life because it is the first day of spring, but it is my personal new year.

[00:00:23] So if you are new here, hello. Welcome. You are in the right place because I have some stories for you today. If we haven't met, my name is Tammy Hackbarth. I'm a life and work coach, speaker, author, podcast host, and I believe in 100% guilt-free self-care 'cause we are humans with basic human needs that need.

[00:00:49] Maintenance in order for us to thrive in our damn lives, we were not put here on earth to do dishes, work and eat a shit sandwich. [00:01:00] So I also believe in rebalancing domestic labor at home so that one person isn't stuck doing all the shit work. That's a long way of saying I am a certified coach and fair play facilitator, and I really like helping people, especially gals in their thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, figure out who the fuck am I and what am I even doing here, and to make some really good use of their time while they're here on earth.

[00:01:32] Which brings me to today's episode. I'm really glad that you're here because last week I shared 10 lessons I learned from my mom. I. Because it was the 10th anniversary of her death, and it was it was poignant. I have a lot on my mind because this past weekend was my best friend's birthday, and if you've been around here for a while, you know that my best friend also died in 2020.

[00:01:58] So [00:02:00] her birthday was this past weekend. And so I have a lot of, what the fuck does it all mean? Existential energy, thoughts happening? And so I thought I would share some bits of wisdom that I've picked up since turning 40, 15 years ago. The reason I wanted to share this with you is so many people that I've been hanging out with and spending time with meeting women who are in their late thirties.

[00:02:34] Early forties, maybe coming up toward their mid forties. And I keep thinking, boy, I wish people would've told me more about what happens between 40 and, well 55 because wow, a lot happens. So what I'm gonna do is I would like to first start with, I am so glad that you're here and so glad that you're listening to [00:03:00] this.

[00:03:00] I record these solo episodes for you. It's my gift to you, but also as a reminder to myself of what I'm thinking and how I'm thinking it as like a little time capsule for myself. So in this period of history, things I'm thinking about are, I'm really glad to be alive. I'm really glad to be alive during this part of history.

[00:03:23] And that made, maybe made you a little nervous there, like, why? And I was like, because I was, I feel like I was made for this. And the reason I feel like I was made for this is I'm a fighter and I came to it, honestly, again, you can go back through some history at a really traumatic childhood, but what I learned is I am stronger than most people, certainly these knuckleheads who are trying to ruin our life and government here in the United States.

[00:03:57] So I think a lot of us doubt [00:04:00] that. And I would just like to just shed some light on some of the things that have come up over the last 15 years. The first is, Ooh boy, turns out we're lucky to get older. Wow. Right? Bonkers. Because when you're young, you think, oh my God, I don't wanna be old. But it's come to my attention that if we don't get old, we are actually dead.

[00:04:25] So with that perspective. Of aging is actually a privilege. Let's move forward. The first thing I wanna share with you is I have not been immune to the, oh shit, I'm getting older. What the hell is happening? Kind of having that cultural in my head about how women as they age, they, they are reduced in their vibrancy or they're reduced in their usefulness or they're reduced in their expertise, or I, [00:05:00] I would just like to say that's complete fucking bullshit and the only people who benefit from that are not us.

[00:05:08] So let's stop. So I'm gonna just do a quick list, very quick list here. I went through and I was like, what? At what age did things in my life start really turning around? And I'm gonna be honest, I drank the cultural bullshit Kool-Aid until I was about 40 coinciding with excuse me, 39 coinciding with doctor saying, you're gonna drop dead your classroom if you wanna deal with your stress.

[00:05:32] Boss saying, what the fuck? Why you are a great teacher? Why are you so unhappy? And me being like, yeah, why am I so unhappy if I have a job that I love? If I'm surrounded by people that I love, if I'm surrounded by beauty, I live in California for Christ sake. What is wrong with me? So I just wanna do a quick list.

[00:05:52] This is not a, I was about to say, this is not a bragging list. I mean, maybe it is a bragging list. Take it for what it is, which is [00:06:00] there is a cultural narrative that says women are useless just kind of generally, and that as we get older, we become less useful and that we. I don't know that we're over the hill.

[00:06:15] That was a big thing when I was growing up, is this notion that once you were over 40, you were over the hill and it was like some sort of rapid decline towards retirement and death. And I'm here to change that narrative because it's simply not current life. So first things first, I just, again, gonna share this quick list of accomplishments, if you will that I, I had from 39 to 54, and then I wanna share with you 15 things that I think every woman over 40 needs to be thinking about.

[00:06:51] All right, let's get started. So at 39 I started blogging. I didn't even know what a blog was start. I started a yoga teacher training [00:07:00] program. I. One of the requirements was start a blog so we could have conversation. I did. That shit changed my life. At 40, I started teaching yoga as a side gig to my teaching school gig.

[00:07:13] At 41, I became a mom through international adoption. At 42, I learned the hard way about invisible labor, domestic load and inequity in marriage. And I thought I was losing my ever loving mind until I realized that is an actual thing. And then I felt better and I thought I need to get the word out. And eventually I became a fair play facilitator.

[00:07:38] At 43, I resigned from teaching school and I dove into teaching restorative yoga, private yoga teacher. Basically, I started a business 44. I was a caregiver to my mom. After she had a stroke and my preschooler also running my business in the background. At 45, I hosted several sold out [00:08:00] yoga retreats all over Northern California.

[00:08:03] 46. I went back to school and got my life coach, life and work coach certification from uc, Davis. 47. I started speaking on stages about self-care. At 48, I got my first paid gig to speak on a stage. At 49, I started a podcast. That's right, this very podcast I started when I was 49. Next month we're looking at six years of podcasting.

[00:08:29] At 50. I dunno if you know, we all live through a global pandemic, but I also lost my best friend at 51. I grieved the loss of my best friend, created a year long coaching program. 52. I wrote and published a book 53. I wrote a politics column for Jennifer Magazine at 54. I campaigned hard for Kamala Harris and here we are at 55 and I feel like I'm just getting started.

[00:08:56] So if you are here and you're a woman [00:09:00] and you're wondering, what does life bring after 40? It turns out whatever the fuck you want. And all you have to do is say yes to yourself and to find community of other people who are like, you know what? If not now, when? If not now when? Right. I always knew I wanted to make a splash in the world.

[00:09:28] I always knew that I wanted to be some sort of teacher. I always knew I wanted to work on women's quote, women's issues. And you know what I. I do. And if you are not currently living the life that you wanted to when you were growing up, it's never too late. It's never too late. Last week I shared, I saw my grandmother graduate from college at age 69.

[00:09:53] I saw my mom graduate from college while I was in grade school. Those women gave me an example of what it means to [00:10:00] not give up and to keep going. And guess what? I must have listened. 'cause here we are. So now I wanna share briefly 15 things. I want everyone who's flirting with getting older. That would be everyone who's alive to say to themselves, oh shit, what do I need to know?

[00:10:25] I wanna give you the, the, the, I forgot what those things are called. CliffNotes. There we go. The CliffNotes version. The 15 things every woman needs to know about life after 40. Number one, perimenopause. It's a thing. Perimenopause are the 10, 15 2. It's the years that you start feeling like, am I losing my grip on fucking reality?

[00:10:51] Why am I going through puberty again? Why don't my pants fit? Why am I so angry? Why, why? Why would [00:11:00] you, what the fuck is wrong with me? That's what, that's the years where you go to the doctor and you're like, what the fuck is wrong with me? And they run a bunch of tests and they say, well, we can't find anything.

[00:11:10] And they send you on your way with a side eye where you think, do they think I'm crazy? And the answer is maybe. But they're also like, you know what? We didn't study in medical school, menopause. If we didn't study menopause, which actually has a true name and is in medical books, we sure as shit didn't study menopause.

[00:11:33] That's just a fucking secret we're gonna keep from everyone. It's no joke. It will fuck you up. Just so we're clear, you're not crazy. You're probably in perimenopause. What do you do about that? That's a great question. The answer is self-care. What I know. So things that can help with the symptoms of perimenopause [00:12:00] are maybe don't drink booze.

[00:12:02] What? I know it's a depressant. Maybe adding exercise. What? I know everybody hates that answer. What about meditation? Yes. Same answer as exercise. Nobody wants to hear that it works, but there's actual scientific research that says medi meditation. Mindfulness and exercise. Oh, wait, what's the question?

[00:12:25] Shit, that's right, because it answers so many questions. I don't make the rules. I'm just the person who finally surrendered and was like, no, really? What would happen if I did the shit the doctor told me to do? And the answer sadly is I feel a lot better. I also hate that answer. But if you're somebody in perimenopause, please go find some reputable folks who are talking about it.

[00:12:57] Talk to your physician. Talk to [00:13:00] your OB GYN, talk to your friends. Read books, find podcasts. I like Dr. Jen Gunter. She's a physician. She goes hard on like scientific data, but long and short of it is you're not bonkers. It's biology that no one studied. I know that's one of the things that we're calling systemic sexism because they didn't study women.

[00:13:32] They don't know about women's biology. No one does. Don't be mad at your doctor. They can't study something that didn't, wasn't in the curriculum. Now, they could have done more research, just saying, and a lot of people have, however, you're not bonkers. Okay, number two, so we've got perimenopause is no joke.

[00:13:56] Number two, I'm gonna kind of go all over the place, get [00:14:00] your will and or trust done. Now, here's why you don't know when you're gonna die. Sorry everyone, but you don't. And you don't wanna leave. Your loved ones wondering. What should we do with all their stuff? They're in the hospital, they can't help themselves.

[00:14:22] Please be a grownup and be the most loving person that you can get an advanced medical directive. Get that shit signed. Decide your vision of the future after you're gone, what you want it to look like for the people that you love the most, and get your shit in order. Just do it. Just do it for further reading.

[00:14:47] I love the book, Swedish Death Cleaning. I think's the Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning. And the idea is you're going to take care of your life. You're gonna declutter, you're going [00:15:00] to get your money situated, you're gonna get a will and a trust and a advanced medical directive. You're gonna have conversations with your family about where's the safety deposit key?

[00:15:11] What are your passwords? All of these things, while we're all able to walk and talk, and not in the hospital and not already dead. Why? Because it is the most loving thing you can do for your family. Why is this pertinent to people who are in their thirties and forties? You're like, I'm not gonna die. Okay, questionable.

[00:15:32] Maybe not today. Someday. Two things. One, oh my God. Welcome to the sandwich generation. I don't know if you know this, if you have kids, you're already like, I'm busy. I know, but at some point, not only are you gonna have your kids to deal with and all of their stuff, which by the way, most of us are like, well, I signed up for that.

[00:15:53] The thing that we signed up for. Didn't really sign up for was dealing with our aging [00:16:00] parents and even the ones that we are maybe estranged from don't like very much have issues with all of those things. Did you know in some states you're financially responsible for your parents care? Oh my God, it's true.

[00:16:16] Not all states, but many. I believe it's 30 states. So maybe use your Google fingers and find out how responsible am I for my parents' financials and their care as they age. It's a thing I would hate for you to be surprised by it. I also hate for you to be surprised by the very sad thing that could happen.

[00:16:42] Maybe you lose your spouse. We want to take care of our people after we're gone. So for the love of God, please. Figure out the vision of the future that you want after you're gone. For the people who love you, [00:17:00] I just need to let that sink in. Okay. I'm still letting that sink in. It's a big one. It's a big one.

[00:17:08] I have to say, as somebody who was on the caregiving team for my mom before she died, I was so glad that she had done so many things to get her financial house and her physical house in order before she ended up in a state where we were having to make medical decisions for her. I had been thinking about making an episode about wills and trusts and financial documents and all of that stuff, literally for 10 years, and I thought, how does this relate?

[00:17:42] You know what it relates, because it is really, really, really, really stressful to be an adult in the world. One that has a job, one that is married, one that's trying to figure out how to be a goddamn grownup and have fun and do all the things, have kids [00:18:00] have all these things, and then out of quote, nowhere, you're like, oh my God, am I also taking care of my parents?

[00:18:06] How do I do that? What am I supposed to do? I don't want you to be surprised that this is going to come up and it's gonna come up faster than you realize. If you go back to episode, I believe it's four where I talk about filling your own cup before shit hits the fan. This is the stuff I'm talking about because bad news happens to all of us, all of us.

[00:18:35] If we are in relationships with people, which we all are because we have parents, we we're in community, we're married, whatever. Bad news is not a, if it's gonna happen, it's a when it's gonna happen, and let's, I don't know, be a little bit prepared, be not, hit in the face. Surprised surprise. This is awful by the way.

[00:18:56] This list. I know. You're like, oh, wow. Perimenopause [00:19:00] and wills and trusts. This getting older sounds amazing. That's why I started with the list of all the things I did in addition to these things that were maybe less exciting, maybe less things of my choice, because you can do both. But boy, I gotta tell you, you gotta fuel yourself.

[00:19:23] Every fucking thing that I've done is because I poured into myself first. Because all of the things I'm talking about take a lot of effort. They take a lot of bandwidth. Hell, they even take a lot of time. Right. Okay, so we've got get your financials and your money and your legal stuff in line. Get your parents to do it.

[00:19:50] Get your in-laws to do it. Get your aunties and uncle. The more conversations that we can have out in the open about what [00:20:00] our vision for the future is after we're gone, the easier it is for the people who are surviving. So even though it's unpleasant to think that we're all gonna die someday, it's also real life.

[00:20:16] The third thing I want everyone to keep their eye on between 40 40 and forever is weight training. That's right. Strength training will change how you age. So I don't know if you know this and I learned this the hard way. Women te I think it's. 30 or 35, we start losing a little bit of muscle mass every year unless we're actively strength training and it's way harder to get back.

[00:20:54] It's, it's harder to get back than it is to maintain. So if you're still in your thirties, even if [00:21:00] you think weight training is boring or dumb or whatever, yes, same. I'll tell you, but I'm paying the price now, which is I've lost a lot of muscle mass over the years and now I'm trying to gain it back. The things I've learned about weight training is, wow, you have a lot less pain in your body as you get older.

[00:21:24] If your body is strong. You also have more flexibility. You have more mobility. You have the ability to get up off the floor, which you're like, duh, I can do that. I dare you right now to get down on the floor and get up gracefully without touching the floor with anything. Like don't touch the floor with your hands.

[00:21:45] I could do a lot of stuff and the ability to get off the floor. It surprised me how hard it became after a while and I was like, wait a second. What is happening? Because we don't see our own aging and we [00:22:00] don't see our own physical decline. It's slow until it's not. So think of weight training as compound interest for your future senior self.

[00:22:11] If you wanna be somebody, if you wanna create the future of yourself, who is strong, independent, mobile, flexible, able to work, able to sleep, able to get through. Menopause and menopause and really stressful things. Working on your physical strength will help you physically be able to do that. But I found that the stronger I get, the men more mentally strong I get because I'm thinking, wow, I didn't think I could do this.

[00:22:44] And look at me now. I'm holding my head differently. I'm holding my upper body differently. My posture is changing. I am becoming stronger and more grounded and more confident. The stronger I get, [00:23:00] again, mentally, physically. I also feel like weight training helps women feel more capable. It helps them feel like they have a fighter in them.

[00:23:12] It helps them feel like they can take on the world. So if you're not yet strength training, please do. Okay. I mentioned this one before, but it needs its own separate little category. So we are on number four things every woman needs to know about life. After 40, you need to get your advanced medical directive.

[00:23:38] What is that you say? Well, it's a legal document that says if you're in an accident, how much lifesaving support do you want the physicians to do? That's right. One more time, we're gonna confront in the terrible future where you find [00:24:00] yourself, you've had a stroke or you've been in an accident and you are being kept alive by machines.

[00:24:07] How long do you want that to happen? What kind of heroic activity from the medical staff do you want? How do you want the end of your life to go? So, I don't know if you know this, and if you're new here, obviously don't know this, but even longtime listeners, I don't know if you know, when I worked in politics before I was a teacher, one of the things I did was I was a lobbyist for a little while and one of my issues was physician aid and dying because let's be real, compassionate care at the end of life and determining one's own destiny is very important to me.

[00:24:53] I think bodily autonomy is super important regardless of where you are in in your life. [00:25:00] And so I've thought a lot about the end of life because I've seen a lot of people die. I've seen people, people close to me. My very first friend when I was 19, she died. So I've been confronting death over and over and over, and it is devastating to the people who are surviving you if they don't know what your wishes are.

[00:25:23] If your family doesn't know what you want, when and if that you become the person that is incapacitated and can't make medical decisions for yourself, it's devastating for your family to try to figure out, well, okay, well I know this person and I love this person. Am I making this decision from my fear?

[00:25:47] Am I making this decision from love? When really you're like, I don't know what they wanted, because we don't have those kind of conversations, most of us, right? So we need to talk about our money. We [00:26:00] need to talk about our future. We need to talk about how, how much medical I. Interaction and medical intervention, that's the word.

[00:26:13] How much medical intervention do you want at the end of your life? And who's gonna be your advocate? I chose not to have a family member be my advocate 'cause I thought, you know, they might be too close to me. They might want me to hang on. So I made my, my medical directives very clear. I didn't even put my spouse 'cause I thought he also might be a little too clouded.

[00:26:38] And I picked a, a friend who I know will fight for what I want. But these are the decisions, unsexy, adult decisions that we have to make in order to have autonomy and control over how our lives go, even when we're [00:27:00] gone. Okay. Number five, while we're talking about things that'll help embrace taking a walk, and I say embrace because before I was in my forties, I thought, who are all these old ladies just out here walking?

[00:27:23] What are they doing? Why are they not running? Why are they not in the gym? Why are they not sweating? What, what's the deal with the walk? My god, I have been humbled by the walk pals and here's why. It turns out that walking, it's one of the best things that you can do for your mental health. You know, we heard about it during the pandemic, taking our, you know, our mental health walk or our hot girl summer walk or whatever.

[00:27:53] But my goodness. Recently my doctor prescribed walking for [00:28:00] me because I had taken on the identity of being somebody who walked. 'cause in my mid forties, I was somebody who walked. I walked my kid to school, I walked my errands, I, I walked, walked, walked. And then I stopped. I think I quote, got busy. The point is, is if you are somebody who is like, I don't get to the gym enough.

[00:28:20] I don't do this enough, and you're beating yourself up because you're like, the activity, the movement that you're doing isn't quote enough. Embrace the walk because walking 30 minutes a day apparently can do so much for your mental health. Physical health, like lowers blood pressure, lowers anxiety, lowers depression, increases feelings of wellness.

[00:28:46] It's, it's like magic. I. It takes not that much time, not that much effort. You don't have to change your clothes, you just have to do it. And this is again, one of those things where you're like, wow. So what I do a little bit every day [00:29:00] matters more than what I do. A lot of never. Yes, embrace the walk. Just get out there and do the thing that in your twenties you thought was dumb, but now you understand why.

[00:29:17] All those active, happy, independent senior citizens are out there doing is because they have embraced the walk, the surrender to what works, not what we wish to work. So on that note, let's talk about number six. And that is meditation is also stupid because it also fucking works. I need to take a moment of silence because.

[00:29:51] I can think of infinite amounts of things that I would rather be doing than sitting in any sort of meditative state, [00:30:00] because let's be real, everyone's bad at meditation. It's really hard to be good at meditation. Meditation's boring. It's hard. It's painful. It's boring. I never feel like I'm doing it right, like I could go on and on and on and on and on.

[00:30:18] However, much like walking, much like walking meditation has been studied from the scientists, from the inside out through the ages, and sad to report that it actually works. And what does it do you say? Oh, again, it lowers, it lowers the bad stuff and increases the good stuff. It increases your sense of wellbeing, it increases your ability to watch your own thoughts.

[00:30:48] So then you can say, Hey, this is what I'm doing, rather than that's what I'm doing. It feels like it gives you more time, energy, space, groundedness, it lowers your blood pre, like, it just, it's kind of [00:31:00] magic and it's all the things. But again, just think about one of the things that's helped me the most from 40 to 55 is surrendering.

[00:31:13] I, I stopped fighting meditation. It's just stop fighting it. I'm just like, okay, well I, apparently this is good for me, but I'm gonna do it. I'm not gonna be perfect about it. I'm not gonna be precious about it. I'm not gonna try to win a fucking award or get a gold medal and meditating. I'm gonna use an app.

[00:31:33] I'm gonna use whatever's gonna help me get the benefit because. I would like my brain to be more like a monk than a rabid squirrel. Perhaps you also would like your brain to slow down and feel like you have a little bit more control over your life. A little bit more control over your thoughts. Maybe a little bit more equanimity, [00:32:00] where we talked about equanimity recently, which is that idea that no matter what absolute chaos is going on around you, you can still be centered and grounded and in the moment of like, okay, what can I do from here?

[00:32:16] What can I do from this grounded center place rather than running myself into the ground? Number six on the list of 15 things every woman needs to know about life after 40 is, I said that strength training, use that compound interest in order to keep what you have and build on what you have as you get older, so that by the time you're a senior citizen, not only have you staved off some of the like cruelly preventable ailments of advancing age, [00:33:00] the other thing that has compound interest is saving for retirement.

[00:33:04] Again, wouldn't be less sexy, but my God, the difference between starting to save in your, in your twenties, thirties, forties versus in your fifties is so remarkable. Just put it in any financial calculator on the internet and you'll be like, what? What, what happened? Wow. So, yeah. Apparently we're living longer and we have to fund those lives and maybe we don't wanna work until we're.

[00:33:32] Put a little money aside. Take all that money that you're not spending at Target and put it in a savings for your retirement. Make sure you're using every single possible retirement account that your work offers. Max out every single account that you can. And it's not to say don't have fun and spend now, but, but know you are going to be taking care of [00:34:00] your future self.

[00:34:02] And one of the ways that we take care of our future self is to think right this second about our future self. If you've never done a future self meditation again, Google it. And if you do this meditation and you meet yourself in say, 25, 30, 40, 50 years from now, and you ask them for advice and you say, Hey, how are we living this life?

[00:34:27] You'll gain lots of lessons. And when I did that meditation, I found this vibrant, interesting, working part-time, really happy, strong, flexible woman. I was like, woo, girl, how do I become you? And she was like, no, what? You know? And I'm like, damn it, I gotta meditate, gotta walk, gotta do the yoga, gotta make sure I have all my shit in order so I don't worry myself to death.

[00:34:55] And the answer is, yeah, you do. Number [00:35:00] seven, the things that you need to think about after 40. Again, I'm coming at you with anti big sister energy because I don't want you to be surprised. And perhaps if you look at this list and you're like, oh, all that shit seems really unpleasant, but at least you know about it, right?

[00:35:21] The possibility. Most of us are gonna have these situations, and so I just want you to know they're coming and that if you know something is coming, you can race for it. You can prep for it. Okay? Number seven. I talked again about this a little bit earlier and that is sit down with your parents. Sit down with your in-laws and say, Hey, tell me about your retirement plans.

[00:35:46] Tell me about your future. What does the, these last chapters of your life, what do you hope happens? What do you hope happens with your children? Meaning if, if you're talking [00:36:00] to your in-laws, say, what do you want the future to look like for your child who I happen to be married to? Right. I don't think any parent is like, I'm gonna make them suffer.

[00:36:12] I mean, maybe there are, that's a whole, probably we should talk about therapy situation, however. You know, I was talking to my dad, he's got some paperwork and I'm like, Hey, maybe this other thing might be more beneficial later. When he said the magic words, let's find out, let's investigate that. Let's talk about it.

[00:36:35] And I thought, wow, this is going better than I thought. Right? We wanna, we want to include our parents in these conversations when they're still healthy. 'cause we're not,

[00:36:49] all of our parents have more lives years behind them than they do in front of them. Arguably, a lot of people hear listening now [00:37:00] also have that, right? I'm 55 today. I don't know if I'm going to be living to 110, so that means I'm beyond midlife, right? So I wanna make sure. I take care of this stuff. I wanna make sure that I have these conversations with my parents because ultimately it might be uncomfortable now, but it's gonna be uncomfortable and heartbreaking later.

[00:37:25] Also, also have these conversations with your kids in an age appropriate way. We just wanna normalize taking care of ourselves and taking care of ourselves, not just like the meditation and the walking, but also where are we gonna live? Where, how are we saving for things? What do we want in terms of medical intervention?

[00:37:51] More communication is good communication.

[00:37:58] Okay. The eighth thing I want to talk to [00:38:00] you about is it's never too late to make change, and the reason I say that is I see a lot of people I. I get stuck in that like I have invested 10 years into this career, therefore I cannot change, even though I hate every single thing about what I'm doing. Don't take this the wrong way.

[00:38:29] I'm not saying right this second, if you hate your job, you should quit because we do have bills to pay and the economy is given the side eye. However, what I'm saying is you're not stuck. Your circumstances might lead you to believe that you're totally stuck, nothing's ever gonna change, and that you have no control over any of this.

[00:38:54] So why even bother? I am saying [00:39:00] perhaps you could explore some options because it is never. Too late to make change. Even if you have 25 years in, 50 years in, you can always change the course of your life. It might not look exactly like you want, but you can get closer to what you want then you think, and interestingly enough, again, again, I started my career in politics.

[00:39:30] I lasted about 10 years and I thought, whew, this is super bad for my mental health. What should I do? And the answers were, get out, or this has to, I, it was, I was in a really dark place. So rather than following the dark path, I chose to look, well actually, I chose to like start doing informational interviews and how that looked was, I would just ask people like, [00:40:00] what do you do at your job?

[00:40:01] What do you like about it? What do you hate about it? What do you wish you were doing? How does this all work? Tell me exactly what you actually do day to day. I just got curious and started asking questions and it's funny, I mean, even I would be at a rock show at like 1:00 AM sitting at a bar. Somebody sits down, I'm like, tell me about your job.

[00:40:20] What do you do? Do you like it? Do you not like it? What do you like about, what do you not like about it? Anyway, I was at Pest because I was very curious to find people who actually enjoyed their work. When I changed careers as a result of realizing I don't have to stay put, even though I've invested in all of this time, it's kinda like if you're in a long term relationship, by the way, been there and you look and you're like, oh, I'm really invested in this person, but this is awful and it's been awful for some time, but I'm really invested.

[00:40:52] It's okay to say our time here has come to an end. I would like to change directions. [00:41:00] So just if you take nothing else out of this, things to think about after 40 is it's, it's okay to make change. People around you quite possibly will kind of lose their shit. I'm, I'm gonna be honest, because change is scary and people get scared for you.

[00:41:27] Don't let that stop you. Okay. Okay. Number 10. Something that I think is not talked about enough is the importance of being close with your friends. It turns out having close. Friend relationships, not your spouse, not your sister, your parents, not your kids, but your actual friends [00:42:00] is really protective of your health.

[00:42:02] It turns out people who are not lonely, who feel deeply connected to people, not only live longer, but they live happier. And we probably have all figured out by now that friendships don't grow if you don't tend to them. It's not liking comments on Instagram. It's not knowing what's happening in somebody's life because of what they post on social media, because we all know that is the best of what we're doing, right?

[00:42:31] That's the best. That's a highlight reel. Reach out to your friends right now while you're listening to this podcast. Open your phone. Find a friend you haven't spoken to or help. One you spoke to earlier today and send them a text that says, Hey, I was thinking about you, or I thought about this thing and I don't know what your thing is.

[00:42:56] My, the first thing that comes to mind is salt and [00:43:00] Peppa push. It came on. That song always makes me laugh because of that cheerleading tune we did in high school. True story. Text that to your friend. They will laugh, right? Whatever it is. Just frequent contact, not just electronic. Get on the phone with them.

[00:43:19] If you can't get in person with them, get on Zoom with your face. If you can't do that, get on the phone. Use your headphones. Go on a walk with them. If they live in a different city, maybe just maybe get on an airplane and go visit them. Frequent contact with our friends. It helps all of us because. When we're in community with people, we feel safe, we feel loved, we feel grounded.

[00:43:50] We feel like we're part of something bigger than ourselves, and that's what makes the human race keep going. And if [00:44:00] you're like, so much time has passed. I don't even know if they like me anymore.

[00:44:07] You could be vulnerable. You could send a text that says, Hey, I know a lot of time has passed and I don't know where time has gone, and you might not even like me anymore, but I just wanna remind you, it's somebody out here. It's thinking about you and I love you, and send it off and see what happens. Make time for your friends.

[00:44:34] Tend to them like they're orchids, like they're your most special plants, flowers, because. Your friends are what will help you through all of the hardship, right? We're in the decades here where you're like, well, everybody's parents are dying or needing care. I [00:45:00] have my own health issues. I'm scared for the future for my kid.

[00:45:04] What the fuck? And you know who else is going through that? All the people in your age group, right? Or maybe your parents are really old and you're like, none of my friends are going through that because their parents are younger. Well, guess what? Come on over. Because maybe you wanna hang out with the older generation who's like, what the fuck?

[00:45:25] I never thought I'd have to deal with this. Right? Get into community with people as often as you can, and in person as you can. That's part of the reason why I go to a mom two summit. It's like a mom vacation. With cool work people, because I have friends that live all over the country and we all go there, see each other, hang out by the pool, have dinner, have deep conversation, laugh our asses off, get some good education, meet some new people, and we didn't have to [00:46:00] plan anything.

[00:46:01] All we had to do was buy a ticket, get an airline ticket, get that really nice hotel room for half off, right? Maybe even have a roommate while you're there. Although I did have my own room last year and it was glorious. The point is, is friendships don't grow unless we pour into them. So find your people, rekindle old friendships, reach out often, because here's the thing, people are busy.

[00:46:31] People get in their head, they're like, damn, it's been too long. She doesn't like me. That one thing happened. I'm gonna tell you what.

[00:46:41] A falling out. Falling out. I had a falling out with a friend a bunch of years ago, and I thought, I'm never gonna talk to her again. And then a bunch of years happened and I didn't, and then some, something else happened and I thought, oh shit. [00:47:00] The only person who would truly understand the situation I'm in right this second is this person.

[00:47:04] So, you know what I did? I swallowed my pride and I reached out to her and she was so fucking gracious, so gracious. And, and we've been in contact, not frequent, but enough contact to, for me to go, you know what? You were super mad. You cut off contact, you rekindled contact, you both apologized for your part in the, the split.

[00:47:33] And now you can, I have a clear conscience in that relationship again. You can do this also, if somebody is like hella mean to you when you reach out, well, you know, you can just block their number and try again. That's all things that people need to be thinking about about life after 40. Boy, you need to go outside.

[00:47:56] Why? It's that damn mental health thing again. [00:48:00] I, when I was 28, I literally said this in a bar that was dark in the middle of the afternoon. I don't get the outdoors, I just don't get it. What? Yeah, I was super depressed. Was I smoking and drinking at the time when I said that? Yes, I was in my twenties for Christ's sake.

[00:48:15] The point is this. Go be by a fucking tree. Notice if you feel any different, go walk around in the grass. Go water your plants, go plant a garden. Get outside, breathe some fresh air, say hello to your neighbors. Also, by the way, being outside, being friendly in this way, it grounds you. Again, it deals with your stress because you are part of something bigger than yourself and you're probably gonna be neighborly, you're getting a little vitamin D, you'll probably wanna wear a hat, maybe some gloves, a shit ton of sunscreen because my [00:49:00] God, the skin damage that comes on between 40 and 50 is shocking.

[00:49:06] However, we should still get outside as often as we can. Okay, number 12 of 15 things that every woman needs to think about about life after 40 is. You gotta let shit go. And by shit, I mean you gotta let go. Being the goddamn expert of everything in your house, like who gives a shit how the dishwasher is loaded?

[00:49:33] A bunch of people just raise their hand right now. I know that because I too would like my family to not only do jobs around the house, but I would really appreciate it if they did it my way. I'm gonna let you know that if you are needing to control how people do things and micromanage how people do things, you will be stuck doing the [00:50:00] things.

[00:50:01] I hate that, but no one likes to be micromanaged. Not your spouse, not your kids, not your parent. No one likes to be micromanaged, so unless you wanna keep every single job, I. Thankless, daily grind, job dishes, garbage, laundry, all that shit, let it go. Enlist help. And they're not helping you so much as you're relinquishing control over stuff that you don't wanna be doing on your last day of life.

[00:50:36] I was just on a podcast recently with my friend Zach Watson. He's the recovering man child. We talked about this exact thing, which is if you don't want to be doing this forever, don't, because a lot of people, sorry, a lot of women are like, I don't have time to do fun things. I don't [00:51:00] have time to do my hobbies.

[00:51:01] I don't have time to see my friends. I don't have time to practice self-care and I'm calling shit. Now, unless you are somebody who's working several jobs for survival, I would say you're just allocating your time differently. So reallocate your time to, I don't know, do something fun and do the dishes later.

[00:51:27] I've become the d eat dessert first person. And by dessert, I mean I want to have fun before I do laundry. I would like to do everything I, I wanna, I want that for all of us. I want us to not have our last day on earth be one doing laundry or running errands or grocery shopping, or even cooking dinner. I mean, yeah, a dinner, party dinner, sure.

[00:51:57] But like just a random [00:52:00] Tuesday dinner. I want more for all of us. So as you're thinking. What the fuck is my life gonna be like between 40 and 55? You're gonna let go, go of doing shit your way so that you don't have to do everything. Oh, this is one, this is one that a lot of people are not gonna like, but I want you, but examine your relationship, relationship to booze, alcohol, wine, cocktails, gear, all of it.

[00:52:34] I am not saying, 'cause I'm not a medical professional, I probably should have started this episode by saying that I'm not a medical professional.

[00:52:44] However, there's a lot of research that says alcohol's not really good for you. So if you, especially C number one, perimenopause is a real thing if you are suffering from perimenopausal [00:53:00] symptoms, which are everything seriously. Everything. Take booze outta your diet, your life for just a few weeks, and note, especially after the first week or two, how you physically feel.

[00:53:20] What I found was, oh my God, this is awful. I feel great. Damnit. And then I started playing with, well, what if I had just one? How would I feel? Turns out like shit, what if I have just a sip? Turns out like shit. Really, really sensitive to booze. But it was really bumming me out because I thought when I was hanging out with my friends, we were having cocktails and chitchat and doing all the things that I was like participating in this like fun bonding ritual.

[00:53:50] And I was giggling and it was, it was great. And some cocktails are delicious. Oh my god. Anyway. It, it didn't, [00:54:00] it, it doesn't, it didn't work for me anymore. So I'm not saying stop drinking. I'm saying how does it actually feel in your body now that you're older? Because my goodness, my body after 40, very different than the body before 40, and maybe yours is too.

[00:54:21] So maybe what we did in our twenties and thirties isn't gonna work for us now that we're new people in our forties, fifties, and sixties. Just get curious. Just get curious. You could say that about a lot of things, right? It's like, is this still working for me? Shit, did this ever work for me? Is this gonna work for me in the future?

[00:54:45] Do I want it to, that's up to you. Number 14. Pay now or pay forever. It's funny that I wrote that like this because there's a book [00:55:00] called The First Days of School. And in it, the author talks about this is real teacher centric, but I just roll with it. The tea, the author talks about how you should spend as much time as necessary to teach your students how to be part of the class, how to be part of your class.

[00:55:25] So you work on rules and procedures and you do this over and over and over, like ad nauseum where everyone around you is like, wow, why are you drilling this into the ground? Because his point is. Once every student demonstrates that they can follow the rules and procedures, it's gonna be super easy for everybody to learn.

[00:55:55] And that when one [00:56:00] person, two people are like, not follow the rules and procedures, you go back to the rules and procedures and you forget content for a while. How does this relate to midlife? Well, let me tell you. It's the idea that it seems counterintuitive to spend all this time working on your future.

[00:56:22] Now, why do I have to talk about my will and trust and my money, and why do I have to do this stupid weight training and this, what is it with the walks, the meditation, like it's such bullshit. Like, I, I don't have time for this. Da da. I'm telling you. If you get into the habit of doing all the senior citizen bullshit, now your senior citizen life, the one that you're gonna be lucky to have because you're not gonna be dead, will be infinitely better because of compound [00:57:00] interest.

[00:57:01] Because you've already established these rules, systems, procedures. You have all of your infrastructure in place. You have decades of experience so that when the shit hits the fan, you're all ready. Ready. You don't have to get ready. If you stay ready, you don't have to get ready if you stay ready. And finally, number 15, things that every woman needs to know about life after 40.

[00:57:38] Is your fucking voice matters. It just does. What do I mean by that? It means speak up. It means write the book. It means make the art. It means have the conversation. [00:58:00] It means go to the city council meeting. It means write the letter. It means call your representatives. It means reconnect with your friends.

[00:58:15] Your voice matters. You matters. Your experience matters. It all matters. Use your voice while you still have it. Advocate for yourself. Advocate for yourself at home. Say, I'm taking this class at this time. You got? I trust that the people who live in this house can get dinner and get bedtime. Get that all done.

[00:58:38] You don't need me. Why? 'cause you're capable adults. And in the case of you're like, I don't have adults that live at my house. Your kids good on you, right? Don't leave them unsupervised, but you know what I mean? Your voice matters. Use it if you see me. I would love to hear about [00:59:00] your thoughts about what is life like after being 40 because you have questions.

[00:59:06] Come and ask because I've been 40 for a long time, like 15 years. If you are older than me, share what is it like, what is what, what things do people need to think about between 55 and. Dare I say 70. Let's look at 15 years. What shit do I need to sort now so that when I get to be 70 I can be living a rocking life?

[00:59:35] Okay. Pals, I appreciate you being here. I appreciate that I get to be another year older. I appreciate that it's finally spring and we can, we can do this thing right? We can, we can do it together.

[00:59:54] Come over on Instagram, say hello. Come over on Threads, say hello or Blue Sky. [01:00:00] I'm at Tammy Hackbarth all those places. And until next week, remember that you matter too.