EP 258: Calm The Chaos: Part 2

Tides seem to be slowly starting to turn from the beginning of the year. Ordinary citizens are finding ways to come together and fight back. Organizing meetings are filling their rented rooms, the overflow rooms and the sidewalks with people who are ready to fight. Protesters all over the country are showing up at elected officials’ offices, jamming their phone lines and demanding their electeds represent their constituents.

Their plan to flood us with a 24 news cycle of terrible cruelty is meant to overwhelm and exhaust us into giving up. It’s the getting whipped around by an out of control rollercoaster feeling they are banking on.

Remember our goal is to watch the rollercoaster without getting on.

I see so many people getting off the rollercoaster and getting into action. They are fighting back through protest, civic engagement and lawsuits. That is creating a different energy. It feels less doomsday and more scrappy underdog with nothing to lose energy.

Of course we run the risk of burning out from fighting back too. We have to inject ourselves with fuel to keep us going. I’ve said it before, but it is worth repeating: you can’t sprint a marathon.

I still believe equanimity is the goal and our actions will lead us in that direction.

Being calm during a crisis is what we practice in the CARE Club.

{Enroll today with code 2025EARLY to save $600. Payment plans are available.}

My February Week Two Glimmers

(tiny micro moments of joy)

🪩 Mill Valley Library was built in near a redwood grove. They have two seats in front of floor to ceiling windows that look out into the trees. Miraculously there was one available to me each time I was in that part of the library. Heavenly.

🪩 Corgi puppies on a walk. Yes, my head almost exploded from the cuteness. - hoppy barky bunnies with fluffy heart butts.

🪩 Rage Club brunch, beach, badasses.

🪩 Brought my kid’s favorite shirt back to life. Turns out stain removal is magic.

🪩 More than 1,000 questions were submitted to town hall with my Congresswoman. People are fired up!

🪩 Kendrick Lamar’s Super Bowl show blew me away.

🪩 Likeable Badass book says to be assertive and warm.

🪩 I Didn’t Do the Thing Today: Letting Go of Productivity Guilt by Madeleine Dore. So many reminders.

🪩 Friends and clients pitching me to speak to Employee Resource Groups and their workplaces! (If you have an ERG or know someone who does, please introduce us. I tailor all my talks to the needs of the client).

This week on the podcast I am doing a deep dive into Calming the Chaos Part 2: Friends Are More Important Than We Think.

Transcript:

This episode is brought to you by my brand new, totally free, Workshop called survive  2025. I don't know about you, but most people in my life are running around,

in a mild to scattered around and got into what we can actually do on the daily so that we can survive and maybe even thrive in 2025. If you are interested in the workshop, head over to my website, Tammy hackbar dot com, sign up for the newsletter list.

It will be hosted live on zoom,  February 25th,  2025. And now onto today's show.  Oh, I'm good. Our call me in the chaos series for February. The reason.  That I decided to do this little  pep talk, tough love, big sister chat,  is  I kind of feel like I'm living in

a space where people are running around, you know, old movies and people would run around and then somebody would grab the other person, the one that was particularly freaking out and grab them by the collar and smack them really hard across the face.  And then they would come to their senses and be like, yo, don't hit me in the face.

But why did you do that?

What you're doing on the daily is likely making you feel worse. So if we haven't met yet, my name is Tammy Hackbarth. I'm a life and work coach based in Sacramento, California. I teach about 100 percent guilt free self care because most of us swim in this cultural guilt about  putting our needs first because we have.

been taught through  every mechanism known to man that you are a garbage human if you choose to put your needs first.  I'm here to let you know you don't have to subscribe to that channel. It's bullshit. So if you have that belief, you can put it down. And just try something different and see if you feel differently.

Spoiler alert. I bet if you reject that cultural teaching, you'll be like, Oh my God, what else do I need to question? That's complete fucking bullshit. That was meant to keep me quiet, humble, hired, exhausted. Who busy  freaking out not thinking I have the power of the agency to change anything. Yeah, it's that so we're going to let go of that.

And we're going to take really good care of ourselves so that we're not so fucking tired and so fucking distraught and so fucking run out that we cannot get our shit. Together to make our phone calls to show up at our elected officials offices so that we can get our bodies in the streets, make some policy change and protect the most vulnerable people in our country.

That's why I'm here, because I have this weird intersection of  expertise. Yes, currently, I'm a life coach that helps people  gather their time and energy so they can create the world they want to live in. I believe in 100 percent guilt free self care and rebalancing domestic labor at home because we want equity in our homes as well in the world.

I also used to be a public school teacher, union member, rabble rouser, advocate, teaching kids  that they too have power. And the power comes from doing different things than most people are willing to do. Before that, I worked in politics. What job did you have in politics? Honestly, most of them. I was a lobbyist.

I was a field organizer. I was a fundraiser.  I was in the profession for more than 10 years. It wasn't a good personality fit because I'm a delicate goddamn flower. And  I also have  knowledge that most people you're sitting next to at the soccer game or the softball game don't have. So, that's why I'm up here talking about what we can do when shit is going off the rails in our country.

Last week, in our first of the series of Calming the Chaos, if you haven't listened to it yet, here is the Cliff Notes.  Stop doomscrolling and do something else.  There you go.  Have a media diet, 30 to 60 minutes a day, and then figure out what you can do after you've consumed news. Don't consume bad news if you're not planning to do anything about it.

Just stop.  Either be informed and make action, or stick your head all the way in the sand. Which I don't advise, because nobody wants to sit next to you at a dinner party.  Anyhow, go back to last week, where we have a little pep talk, kick in the pants, about what you could do Instead of doom scrolling, the actions you can take, the books you can read.

And today, we're going to be talking about  how we can  harness  our own power by gathering together with people. I'm going to give book recommendations. I'm going to give ideas. I'm going to give examples. So if you don't know. We have a loneliness academic. We don't have a loneliness academic. We have a loneliness  epidemic.

That's the word. It's not a pandemic. It's an epidemic. And that's because what? We're on our screens  all the time. We're keyboard wiring. We are talking shit on the internet. We are posting memes. We are posting everyone should do everything. We should call. We should do this. We're like, Oh my God, we are the delivery.

System of bad news to our friends and family via social media.  Let me be the first to tell you that's not activism.  If all you're doing is shouting on the internet, it's not activism. It's not changing anything.  I mean, it is, it's actually changing the nervous system of you and everyone in your feed.

If you want to be effective, sure. You can share with an invitation. Hey, this is what's wrong. And also this is what we can do about it.  If you don't know what to do about it, this is your invitation to find a group of people  that care about the same stuff you do. Pick one or two issues. I'm telling you, if you go for more, you're going to be stuck in overwhelm.

And overwhelmed people don't take action. They spin around until they pass out.  So let's stop doing that.  So we're going to get off our phones, except for, you know, 30, 40 minutes on social media, if you want.  Consume less news. It's almost all bad.  That doesn't make you feel better.  Now,  if you choose to consume bad news.

Make sure you have a plan to take action. Not sure what to do? You're going to get into community with people who do. One of the things that I'm doing here in 2025  is I have made a commitment  to club.  And you're like, that's so weird. What's the club? It's called Rage Club. And it's for feminists and queer presenting people and queer people and we get together once a month  by the ocean and we have brunch and we laugh and we're all in agreement that everything fucking sucks and it's so scary.

And so many of us are touched directly by the fuckery that is coming down from Washington D. C. And we take these joyous moments to fill our fucking hearts up to go, I'm not alone in this.  This person over here is going to help me. They're fighting the fight too. Because. We need people now more than ever.

So maybe you don't have your own rage club that's been set up in a lovely, lovely space,  but maybe you could, maybe you could find just one other friend  who is, who is both as excited about the Harris campaign as you, and  as depressed as you were after the election. Maybe you get together. And you  hug.

That's right. You hug. 20 seconds. It'll actually reduce your stress.  Getting together with friends reduces your stress. It helps you live longer. It's been said that longevity is directly tied to our close Close?  relationships.  It's not relationships that you're like, Oh, I'm closely related to that person.

Therefore I will live longer. No, it's the depth of your relationship. So we're looking for not  quantity with people. We're looking for quality of people, right? So rage club has less than 10 people in it and we're all hella busy. So we're not all going to make it every single time. But let me tell you when we're together,  it feels like a goddamn hug.

Even if we're not hugging  because I can see other people in 3D. I can see their feet. We're breathing the same air. By the way,  it is really, really important to be in community with people in person right now.  If your only option,  Because you are isolated for any reason is to do it online. Yes, do that.  But if there's any way that you can get into community with similarly minded people,  it will change how you view the world.

And when you change your view from, Oh my God, everything is awful. We're not going to survive this. There's never going to be that. No, no, we are going to survive.  We are  at the end of this.  Hopefully we will have gathered together so well  and loved each other so well and looked out for each other. So well that will come out on the other side and be able to build a bigger  coalition to build a better future.

Okay, so get offline,  get in community, get  outside,  hang with people  who you feel safe with,  hang with people who understand. They understand why you're upset, they're willing to  read a book, they're willing to  not just follow what their dad says, or their husband, or their whatever.  We want to make  our communities safe for everyone.

So start by getting in community with, with again, it's just one other person. Do that.

The kick in the pants that we all need is this. I know some people right now are like, yeah, you just don't understand how busy I am, you don't understand this, you don't understand that. This is what I'm going to say. I was just recently interviewed on a podcast, and I was talking to the host about  how I,  as a business owner, a mother,  primary caregiver a neurodivergent, a.

k. a. person with invisible disabilities,  disabilities,  the whole gamut. How the hell do I have time for fun, friends, and self care? And it's a genuine question. It's like, how do you, how do you have  time for all of these things?  And what I said was,  I put it first, and there was a long pause.  We were actually talking about it in terms of  negotiable  versus non negotiable, fixed versus non fixed.

And when I  look at my week, when I look at my month, when I look at my year,  the number one things that I focus on first  are.  my own physical, mental, spiritual,  relational care.  Because without those, and we're going to be diving in deep next week on  Self care not being optional, especially during hot, hard times.

But that's the number one thing that I put in my calendar. If that is not you yet, I challenge you  to, when you're doing your weekly planning,  to put your own care  at the top of the list of the things that you do. And then note how you feel on the days where you put yourself first. Versus the days where you put someone else first.

The second thing I prioritize  are my friends.  Back in 2023,  I decided  I was going to have this thing called Friend Friday because I was happy as a clam to never see another human being outside the people that I lived with and who I saw on Zoom for the entirety of the pandemic. And let me tell you, the pandemic, it went on way longer for me than most people.

I am the introvert's, introvert.  But by 2023, I was like, oh, think I actually need people.  And I was like, let's do a little experiment, because that's my whole life. What would I, what would happen if I dedicated one  block of time on Fridays? Because remember, each day has three blocks of time. We have  before noon, we have the afternoon, and we have the evening.

We all have that. Right?  If I devoted one block, even a short block, even an hour, hour or two,  to friends on Fridays, every Friday, what would happen? Well, let's just do the math. That would be 52 hours at minimum that I was connecting with people. Who I know, like, and trust, who know, like, and trust me. I could build new relationships with people who I was curious to get to know, and I could deepen relationships with people who I already know

I can tell you that Friend Friday was one of the most successful experiments of my life. It, it was shocking how much better I felt, because I didn't feel alone in a single thing that year.  Because I was in constant contact with my people.  Were they all in person? No, because some of my people live in other states.

I've got my Colorado friends. I have my New York friends. I've got my Utah friends. I've got my Minnesota friends. I've got friends all over the country.  But on Fridays,  if you're local,  We're going to hang in person, and if you're not local, we're going to hang on the Zoom, or we're going to FaceTime, or we're going to go on a walk together, maybe we're going to share a meal, maybe we're just going to laugh our asses off.

It doesn't matter  how you do it, it's just that you do it. The third thing that I focus on before I do a single thing for my family or my work is I focus on my own, the things that make me, me. In fair play, we call it unicorn space. Three to five hours a week to do shit that has nothing to do with being a parent, partner, or professional.

It's a shit that when people sit next to me at a dinner party, they are so fucking glad to be sitting next to me at a dinner party because I have interesting things to say. Because I do more  with my life than just be a parent, just be a partner, or just be a professional.  Dare I say,  I get to be a person, and so do you, and if you were in my Thrive  2025 class, that was what the entire class was about.

We all get to be  cool ass people.

Part of the reason why I put it first is  the, the drudgery of adulting, it never goes away.  Just let me get through this week. Next week will be better is complete and other bullshit. There will never magically be a time in your schedule that says, You know what?  Let's learn how to paint. Let's make pottery.

Let's learn how to play guitar. Let's take piano lessons. Let's learn how to swim long distance. Let's tap dance. Let's learn improv. I swear to you, that is never going to come up magically.  If you want it, and you should,  you have to  take it. Then, after the three things, guilt free self care, from head to toe, inside and out, absolutely guilt free.

The reason it can be guilt free for me is, well, first.  Guilt means I did something bad  and there are zero people on the planet  when you say  I took care of my physical health that makes me bad or that that's a bad thing. Nobody will say that. We just have it twisted in our fucking head  because of this cultural bullshit of you have to be self sacrificing and light yourself on fire to warm the people around you.

You don't. I promise you. You don't. You might get some pushback.  But I'm going to tell you what, you're going to feel so much fucking better. You're going to be able to withstand any pushback that you get. The other thing is a lot of people,  instead of feeling like they've done something bad, it goes into shame.

And the shame is I am a bad person because I have needs.  Now I would like you to look at a child,  any child. They are some needy motherfuckers.  Have you ever looked at a child and thought?  You're a terrible person because you have needs?  No, of course you haven't. You've thought,  what do I need to help this person get so they stop doing that thing?

Meaning screaming. Oh, do you need a snack? Let me feed you. Oh, do you need a nap? Let me get you a little comfy, something so you can lay down. Oh, are you cold? Oh, are you hot? Oh, do you need to see a friend? We tend to our people  because they're not terrible for having needs and neither are you. You are a worthy human.

So if you're carrying around the baggage that,  I'll, I'll tend to all of that later.  No, later doesn't come. I hate always being the person that's like, you know, you could die tomorrow. You could, hell, you could die this afternoon. But I, I know I sound glib when I say that, but it's true. Okay.  Also. Also, do you just want to have a drab life where you're like worried about shit and then not know what to do?

No, you don't.  You want to be the person who's like, Hey, grandkids, during this really weird part of history, Not only Did I fight against the power that was trying to overcome our entire country? Not only did I have the energy and time to fight back, I got creative with my friends. We had these epic friend dates, we, we had brunches, we had potlucks, we had book clubs, we, we enjoyed each other's company because we are the only people we have.

And we made it through  because we built community,  right?  So,  I challenge you this week to put yourself first, just do one thing for your either mental health or your physical health before you do anything for anyone else.  And I want you to make some sort of connection with a like minded friend. Even if it's just a  quick 15 minute call that's like, holy shit, what is even happening right now?

What are we going to do?  So, Another thing you could do is look up who are the groups in your area that are helping people. Maybe it's the food bank needs people to hand out food.  Maybe it's a shelter situation that is collecting  socks, brand new socks, brand new underwear, brand new blankets for people who don't have permanent housing.

Maybe  it's your local Habitat for Humanity that needs people to paint things or  I did drainage ditches last time I worked for Habitat. And let me tell you,  doing real work for real people in community with other people  will calm your insides like nothing else. We have to do  different things to feel differently.

We  So put down your phone, put down your computer, put down your Netflix,  get outside with people  as soon as possible and as often as possible,  because that's going to help you survive 2025.  Again, I would love to see you at  our free workshop on the 25th,  February 25th where we're going to be getting into how we can.

Survive the next four years and beyond.  I would love to hear from you. You can send me a message, Tammy at Tammy hackbarth. com. You can find me on Instagram, same name. You can find me on blue sky, same name.   And until next week,  remember you matter too